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soysaucemyriceX
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Name: Arnold
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Birthday: 10/28/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: working out, gymnastics, playing games, chillin with family n friends, practicing breakdancing, cars, and doing fun stuff outside.
Expertise: helping people out, holding doors for people.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  soysaucemyrice2
Yahoo:  soysaucemyrice@yahoo.com
Member Since:
3/15/2003
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| Dear Journal,
I'm not sure what my future holds anymore, I don't think i'm good enough anymore. When I look at everyone else, it seems as if they are moving ahead and as of me i'm just trailing behind. I'm not sure if i can make it, everything i've done seemed pointless to me. Right now, I feel as if I am out of place, as if i don't belong. I know I entered school for a reason, but i don't know if i can compete with myself anymore. Right now i don't think i have been following my dream. I thought i wanted to be a physical theraphist but i don't think i can handle all the science classes. Right now i'm thinking i can either do business or culinary school. I think i'm more of a hand's on learner who can benefit from working with my hands.
I guess I still have time to change.
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| Dear Journal,
I recently discovered that i might be anerexic. This is a huge problem because its not good for my health. I first discovered this when I was reading about eating disorders last week. Vamsi (room assistent) and Matt wu (friend from 4th floor) has confirmed this. I puke out my food, my body poportions are off, and i'm only like 120 lbs. On top of my image, i'm usually concerned about my weight ( i try to maintain it), I am always looking at myself in the mirror...looking for defects. However most importantly, I am skinnier than alot of girls. I'm not saying girls are fat or anything but maybe it'sjust how I see the world. But I think i'll just leave this topic like this...i could dwell on at what else this anerexic disorder would do to me. But i'll talk more about that some other time.
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| Dear Journal,
The date is Sunday, March 12, 06. Time 11:42.
I'm happy because school starts this week. After coming back from spring break, i now have something to do...something challenging besides working, working out or studying. School really keeps you busy with the numerous activities. But one different in high school and in college is...being able to do things yourself. But yea, i'm gonna cut this entry short. Time to get motivated for the week and meet the challenges that will come ahead of me. Test, Papers, Life...here i come.
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| Dear Journal,
In Eric Erickson's 8 stages of development, people go through stages in life that have certain requirements that they must accomplish before moving on to the next crisis in life. For me, I'm suppose to be in Stage 6 Intimacy versus Isolation, sharing myself with others and making commitments thus I wouldn't be complete without it. However I belive i'm still in my "Identity versus Role confusion" (Stage 5) period. Why do i believe this, well sometimes I don't know who I am. And with the things that had happened to thus far; people calling me gay. I've been thinking, am i really gay? am I BI? I thought I knew, cause i don't particularly see other guys as attractive. However does my unconscious mind tell me otherwise. When i'm drunk for example I tend to do crazy things, such things as pole riding / pole dancing?, Dressing up as a princess??, Sleeping with other guys?, Truth or dare?? I mean does all my actions lead to some form of answer? I'm not sure, all I know is i'm going to stop drinking this year.
One more thing, if I were truly gay would peopple still see me as Arnold Lo? I know people say, "You are you and you can't change yourself" or "We love you for who you are" I mean one's perception of others can be blinded by the media, society isn't that acceptance of gay people, because they aren't able to marry. Well hopefully i'll find my answer, since i haven't had a girlfriend before, I haven't had my first kiss, my first date, i guess I still have time to find who I am. All i know right now is i'm a nice kid who wouldn't dare to hurt innocent people.
Thanks for hearing me out, Arnold
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| Dear Journal,
These xanga entries will now become my journals. However this way I wouldn't be using up any paper. Anyways, recently i've been feeling lost at the moment. Its that people are thankful enough, I just keep giving, or some sort or kind act. I dunno maybe i'm too kind, someone once told me to, "toughen up" because all my life i've been letting ppl push me around. It started with ballet, high school bullies or just tormentors. Blah, well thats basically what i'm thinking about right now. But there's also the feeling that I don't belong, i'm just thinking to myself, "why am I here" it seems as if i'm walking a lonely path that only I can follow. But i guess this is just another stage in life. Well i think i'm gonna go shower.
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